State Of The Love Address - 2006 Edition

My Fellow Lovers...

I can't believe I've been doing one of these, every year, for the past three years. I never intended it to be this. It just happened the first year and then I got the brilliant idea to continue doing it each year. I accept whatever blame or praise you have for me because of it.

As I look back on last year's address, I realize I made a promise to myself that I didn't keep. I didn't make "The List."®

"The List"®, in case you never knew, or in case you forgot, is a specific rundown of the traits and attributes you want to find in your potential mate.

The concept is very simple indeed. You make a list of the important elements to you, in as much detail as you dare. Here, being meticulous counts for a lot. You have to go through the physical, the mental, the emotional, the psychological, the geographical, the sexual and list off all of the things that you would find amazing in the person you want to meet.

According to legend, within a very short time after you complete "The List"®, a person crosses your path that not only matches your requests, but quite often exceeds what you asked, in many, if not all, areas!

Really, though, "The List"® is there to allow you to clarify what you want to find for yourself. As Joe Jackson sang: "You Can't Get What You Want, Til You Know What You Want." And that is the issue at stake. There's no element that's too minute to mention, no detail to small to overlook.

Let me give you an example. The one and only time I did "The List"®, I finished and literally just more than two weeks after I completed it, a woman showed up, completely at random! It was unbelievable! Attractive, intelligent, funny... I thought she was The One! Unfortunately, I forgot to list "stable" as one of the attributes I sought. Obviously, that was a no go.

It does seem that Cupid likes to have a laugh at humanity's expense when it comes to this game called love. I must be in the Best Comedy category with all of the missteps, the quirks, the bizarre elements and other such stuff that have gone into my life.

Another element that perhaps prevented me from making "The List"® was in thinking that I needed to be the person I thought I should be, before wrapping myself up with someone else. And that's very real. I'm a believer that one needs to be fully realized to have a good relationship with someone else. I think it takes people of my generation a longer time to get that concept, and an even longer time to do it. Our competitive nature has made living our lives really difficult for each other, rather than having people help one another.

As I noted in a previous State Of The Love Address, we aren't people who expect to meet someone and have that person shape or mold us into the people we should be, or worse, to have to help our partner through their own problems. We expect to share our time with a person who fits with us, a fully fitting jigsaw piece that doesn't have to be carved by that other person or that need some extra elements added on to connect properly.

There's a lot more to this. Allowing someone to be intimate with you is a tricky business. Will they be sensitive to your needs or more caring about their own? Are they emotional vampires, trying to get what they want? Or are they cloying cling-ons desperate to latch on to whomever they can get?

What is wrong with us? Why are we so intent on having more for ourselves when others have nothing? Are we all beggars of love?

Well, no. Some of us have an extreme amount of love. And what's that from? Appearance, wealth, fame, ability.

There are people who are beautiful to look at but not easy to get along with, and we know this. There are any number of attractive celebrities who have been through any number of relationships. We all can name at least a few. What is their story? They are learning about life while an audience of millions looks on and comments. Why do they simply repeat the same mistakes and bad choices over and over?

It seems like the learning is the important element in all of this. Love is about learning. Learning how to behave in a relationship, learning what is important to a partner, learning is a crucial point. If you aren't learning, then you are bound to make mistakes. But it's also about forgiving. If you are dealing with mistakes, how do you handle it. Will you make it work or need to take the remedial class?

But back to "The List"®. Making "The List"® doesn't necessarily guarantee you will find your perfect lover, but it does allow you to clarify, in your own head, what it is you want to find. That way, when someone interesting crosses your path, you have a template to use to see how that person matches up compared to your ideal.

Now, most of us know that an "ideal" is exactly that, and are capable of modifying our choices. Conversely, the perfect person could actually come along and unless you've bothered to list the traits, you might not even know it!

So, here we are. Some of us have found love, others have not yet, and still others may never. Let's be realistic. Not everyone can and will find love. Some people have stumbling blocks, either put in their way by fate or by themselves.

How you love yourself is perhaps more important than any love anyone else can give you. That's because how you love yourself is ultimately how everyone else CAN love you. Staying positive about your self-opinion is the crucial element.

I want all of you lovers out there, all of the people who want to find someone special by this time next year to make a pact with me.

I will be certain to be as true to myself as I can.
I will be certain to not be unreasonbly critical of myself.
I will attempt "The List"®.
If things don't work, I won't give up.
I will learn from all my experiences.

See you next year to compare notes.