LJ Idol - Week [7] - "No True Scotsman"*

[penpusher]

*
*
*
Nobody else could celebrate like Jim
Or pour a shot or sing and raise his voice
To tell the truth, we all quite envied him.
Rum was fine, but Scotch was his first choice.
Underwear would drop at Jim’s sweet gaze
Everyone was charmed and that’s no doubt!
Sometimes the men would take up all his days
Come night, the ladies made him scream and shout.
One quiet Sunday evening at the bar
There were no customers for Jim to serve.
Self-serving as he was, got in his car
Made sure to drive safe, then he reached the curve.
And now we celebrate Jim as we cry,
No true Scotsman ever says goodbye.

*This piece was written for LJ Idol using the prompt: "No True Scotsman"

Comments

[adoptedwriter.livejournal.com]

Don't drink and drive!
Great poem. AW

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Thanks very much.

[crimsonplum.livejournal.com]

I love the subtle turn you did with "seelf-serving." Great piece!

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

I'm pleased that line worked! Thank you.

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

Heh. Nicely rendered.

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Thanks very much!

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

I especially liked the last line. I always enjoy the poetry entries. It takes a lot of work.

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Thanks a lot! I really hoped I wouldn't have to write a poem this week, but the prompt absolutely demanded it from me.

[agirlnamedluna.livejournal.com]

Wel if that wasn't the most poetic anti drink and drive piece I've ever read :)

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Thanks very much.

[ecosopher.livejournal.com]

Poor Jim. What a shame--he sounded like he was quite a guy. (I guess there's a lesson here!)

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Yes. I wanted to show how Jim was admired by everybody, and how he also admired everyone as well. Thanks so much!

[catwomon.livejournal.com]

You got this in so early! I'm impressed. I struggled with what the topic could mean. I am not a fan of poetry, but I like this. It says something and does it well.

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Thanks very kindly. When I saw the prompt I knew I'd be going back to poetry this time and that it needed to be a sonnet. It sort of all came together in a flurry. Thanks for a wonderful compliment!

[swirlsofblue.livejournal.com]

It seemed so happy, then got so dark and sad. Brilliant poem.

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much. That was the effect I was going for, and I'm glad it worked.

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

The way the light tone and rhyme scheme contrast with the plot is great. Nice contrast!

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Thanks very much... the sonnet form is typically reserved for love, but I felt it was right for this story as the protagonist was cared about in that way. I'm glad you liked it!

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

Great little poem with a handy message. :)

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

And thanks very much for reading and commenting!

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

This is a nice remembrance of a friend. I'm sorry he's gone, and I'm sure many are missing him!

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Well, Jim is a composite of people, but isn't a real person himself. But I feel like I at least met him! Thanks for the thought.

[i-17bingo.livejournal.com]

I, for one, am glad to see Jim go, because it would be nice, for once, to gi to the bar and not have to keep pulling my pants up. "Dammit, Jim!" I used to always say. "Stop gazing at me! You have the shittiest mutant power!"

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Touché! Yeah, but it made the walk to the bathroom both more convenient AND more difficult! Thanks as always for your insightful response!

[anyonesghost.livejournal.com]

I liked this -- not only for the general theme, but for the tone, the underlying messages, and the double references embedded.

My only comment (and it may be more of a question) is regarding meter -- you've set this up as an Elizabethan sonnet (abab quatrains with a rhyming couplet at the end), and you adhere very closely to the pentameter format, but the rhythm feels very off. Some lines are perfectly iambic, and others are a jumble ... was this intentional, to have the meter "all over the road" and swerving, until the reader crashes into the conclusion?

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Thanks for considering this so carefully.

So, true confession time. This sonnet is an acrostic. And I wasn't going to say anything about it because I was curious if anyone would notice that element and comment. Apparently nobody noticed. The earlier lines where I have nine syllables rather than the appropriate ten were a result of that... except for line 14, which I intended to be shorter, to have a pause at the start of that line.

So yes! You caught me. Lines 5 and 6 are off by one beat and line 14 was designed to be off.

[anyonesghost.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. Yeah, I didn't even consider the possibility of an acrostic. Nice. :-)

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

In a sense I'm really pleased that nobody noticed the acrostic because it meant that the poem worked naturally, on its own. And I had hoped that paring lines 5 and 6 would help mask the meter. Not so for the real students of poetry, like you!

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Did I say lines 5 and 6? I meant 4 and 5. I better wake up; I'm off to work!

[anyonesghost.livejournal.com]

Well, throwing underwear about is a good way to distract! I just went back and looked at meter after the second reading ... at first I just assumed it was free verse, but then I went back to count lines, feet, and rhyme scheme specifically, so I knew something was up. And at that point, I wasn't looking at the words themselves anymore, so there was no helping it. :-)

[improper-me.livejournal.com]

This is a fine description. I have known many "Jims" in my life.

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

It seems like a lot of Jims are turning up this week, based on the stories I'm reading! Thanks for your reflection!

[eternal-ot.livejournal.com]

Excellent work! with a social message, notched it up higher. You are one of the writers I look fwd to read!...:)

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Thanks a wonderful compliment! Thanks very much!

[kehlen-crow.livejournal.com]

Wonderful. I enjoyed.

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Thanks, and what I don't think anyone noticed was that this poem was an acrostic... I think it's sorta cool that nobody noticed, though!

[kehlen-crow.livejournal.com]

I certainly did not until you pointed it out :).

[witches.livejournal.com]

This is so great :D

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

I finally get to reveal that, in addition, the poem was an acrostic... since nobody noticed! Thanks for your lovely compliment!

[itsjustc.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed this. It had a good message and I liked the twist in the tale.

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Thanks as always for reading and commenting. I certainly appreciate that. And as another note, the poem was an acrostic, just as an extra little something. Nobody noticed!

[karmasoup.livejournal.com]

This is practically a madrigal, with its whimsical cadence on grim subject. Like a Morrissey tune!

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I like The Smiths, so that's a very nice compliment. And what nobody noticed was the poem itself was an acrostic. I'm revealing it now!